how to kill a big cockroach

(if you don't have a can of Raid)

It's simple really, but you will need two people. We'll call them person A and person B.

1. Person A sees the cockroach, screams and jumps up on the toilet in the upstairs bathroom. She should remain there for most of the rest of the process. Her strategic position will allow her to yell instructions to person B. At first, those instructions will be a bit dramatic/irrational/obvious ("kill it! kill it!", "Ew!!", "Make it go away!"). But as person A calms down, she will be able to offer important advice.

2. Person B, who is downstairs minding his own business, hears the screams, sees the front door and contemplates leaving in the hope that the situation will just resolve itself before he returns in a couple hours.

3. Considering his relationship to person A, person B decides to stay. He puts on shoes, grabs a sandal (for whacking) and a bottle of Lysol kitchen spray and carefully heads upstairs. It is essential that he maintain constant communication with person A.

4. Visual contact is made by both participants. Person B realizes that the current intruder is not quite as large as the last one but still way bigger than most. He realizes he is not adequately prepared and heads back downstairs for a broom. As he passes the front door, the temptations to flee return. Must resist. His future dinners and laundry depend on it.

5. While person B is downstairs, the cockroach runs into the spare bedroom.

6. After a curiously long amount of time, person B resurfaces upstairs with broom and Lysol in hand. The cockroach is currently in the spare room, but visual contact has been lost. All must stand and watch patiently. The ball is in the monster's court.

7. Action. The roach walks past the door. Person B opens fire. His enthusiastic and forceful spraying causes the cap to shoot off the Lysol bottle. The cap hits the cockroach and sends him running into the closet. Crap!

8. Despite her curiosity, person A must remain on the toilet.

9. Person B must never be without his broom or Lysol. His next step is to enter the spare room and start spraying under the suitcases to try to force the roach out.

10. After many minutes of spraying and moving suitcases with the broom, B realizes that the bug is not on that side of the closet. Where is it? Whats that? He hears something coming from the boxes on the other side of the closet.

11. This step is probably the most difficult of the process. Person B needs to lure the cockroach into the box that contains the Christmas tree. He should then use the broom to flip the box over so the bug can be seen or heard scampering on the cardboard at all times.

12. B sprays Lysol into the box liberally. Maybe the fumes will kill the bug or at least slow him down.

13. Using the broom, B slides the box to the top of the stairs. Next, he goes downstairs to open the front door.

14. Being careful not to spill it, B pulls the box down the two flights of stairs and out the door. He then takes the box to the little yard part of the apartment and tips it over.

15. The cockroach will make a run for freedom. At this point, B tries to chop him to death with the broom as if the bug were a piece of firewood and the broom an ax. He gets a few good hits in, but the little bugger keeps running.

16. All the excitement should attract the nighttime guard. He will come over to ask B if he is trying to kill a snake.

17. B, feeling a bit embarrased that it's just a cockroach, finally does what he should have done hours ago and steps on the cockroach, leaving his body on the sidewalk.

18. Person A may now leave her post atop the toilet. Well done.